For Andrew
A life well lived is full of tales, some of success to be
certain, but the more interesting ones are those that reveal our less than
stellar moments, when our foibles as people or youthful indiscretions come to
light. This is one of those stories, one that I have not told often but that
is, as best as I can recall the details, absolutely true.
When I was 19 a friend gave me a jacket. Not just any
jacket, though. This olive green number was one that belonged to a former
member of the Canadian military, who had left the forces on less than amicable
terms. In the last year of his service his habit for reading Marxist literature in his bunk had led to many
altercations with his fellow soldiers, leading in turn to time spent in army prison
(which according to him made regular prison look like a picnic with cucumber
sandwiches and mint tea served by pretty ladies in pinafores). When asked why
he insisted on continuing to read Marxist documents, knowing the reaction it
would generate, his only response was that his sole joy in what he described as his "soulless life" was pissing other people off, leading to an endless cycle of
bunkmate fights and prison time. The entire experience had left him rather
bitter, and when he handed me the jacket in the days before he left to travel
the world and find himself (later coming to understand what he had been experiencing during his final months in service was a form of severe depression) all he said was: “You should probably remove the
stripes before you wear it”.
I don’t quite recall his rank – corporal, perhaps,
although my knowledge of such things was very shaky back
then. I knew a unique piece of clothing when I saw it, though, as I haunted
vintage clothing stores, rummage sales, army surplus outlets and the closets of elderly relatives
looking to score unusual fashion items. It was the 80’s, and far from the
day-glo fashions of that era I was more into the blacks and safety pins of the
punk rock movement, morphing into what we then called “cold wave”, with spiky
hair and pointy boots with skull buckles.
I loved the new jacket with ferocity, thinking the stripes and buttons added extra flair, and the very first
time I wore it I pranced out of my parents' house and into a local pizza joint.
I scarcely registered the glares I was receiving from a table of young men not
seated far from me, although I recall being puzzled as to the source of their
discontent. I chalked it up to the appearance of the fellows I was with (proud mohawks
towering above their heads, leather jackets and torn jeans).
When I left the restaurant I immediately noticed the police
cruiser positioned outside the doors. When the two officers emerged I assumed
they were there to settle some sort of issue inside the restaurant or in the
parking lot, never once considering they were there for me.
One of the officers was older, while the other, blonde and
young and handsome, was the one to first approach me.
“Ma’am?” he said, almost reluctantly. “Can we have a word?”
I looked behind me, sure he was speaking to someone else, speechless when I
realized he meant me.
He asked my name, as calling me ma’am, given the proximity
in our ages, must have been as strange for him as it was for me.
“Theresa,” he said, “We have a problem. Your jacket. It’s
illegal to wear it.”
Wait, what?
Whaddya mean “illegal”?
This was about the point when I realized I might be in
trouble. Now, despite the punk rock appearance I was a middle-class kid, and
had never before had an encounter with the police – and for a first encounter,
this was not going well.
The officer looked deeply uncomfortable at this point, and I
realized he was glancing over at the group of young men I had seen inside, who
were now gathered in the parking lot snickering. I noticed the shaved heads and
suddenly understood that this group was undoubtedly in the forces.
“I have to charge you with impersonating a military officer,”
said the young policeman, who looked pained as he said it. That is the exact
point when I began to cry, and he looked even more miserable as he turned to
his partner and said: “Making pretty girls cry was not in the job description.
I feel like a jerk.”
He turned to me, and as he handed me the slip of paper
containing information on the charges he explained he would need to keep my
jacket as evidence, but that he would not need to arrest me or take me into the station for
this one. I slipped the jacket off and stood there in the chilly night air,
watching as he folded it carefully and finally said to me: “I am so sorry – but
they (motioning to the group of young men) will almost certainly report me
if I don’t charge you.”
He then went over to that group to tell them to leave before
my friends, the ones with leather jackets and mohawks, followed them home, and
then the cruiser drove away into the night.
Impersonating a military officer. Me.
The next day I phoned a lawyer, one who once happened to
date my eldest sister. As I told him the tale he listened quietly, and then
asked one question:
What was I wearing other than the jacket?
A short, tight black leather miniskirt, fishnets, 4-inch
heels and hair teased up much like Frankenstein’s bride (you know, the look of
the day).
The sound at the other end of the phone sounded a bit like a
strangling noise, until I realized he was trying not to roar with laughter in
the middle of his staid new law firm offices.
“This is the best,” he finally choked out. “This will be
incredible. We are going to court. Wear the same outfit you wore that night.
And I don’t care if you don’t tell anyone else, but tell your sister as she
will kill me if she ever hears I was your lawyer on this and she didn’t know.”
And so I told no one but my sister, and so a month later there I was in
court, flanked by my young lawyer who kept grinning like it was the best day of
his legal career thus far. There I sat among prostitutes and petty criminals,
and undoubtedly the rather old and crusty judge thought I was one of them until
he pulled my file out and began to read.
“Are you serious?” he said, staring at the court clerk and
then at the handsome young police officer who had arrested me and who was now
in court. “You do know there are people out there committing actual crimes,
right?” And he shook his head in disbelief.
“Young lady,” he said. “Young lady, do you admit you wore
the jacket?”
“Yes,” I said.
“What else were you wearing at the time? Was it a full
uniform?” he asked.
“No, I was wearing this outfit,” I said, and his gaze
travelled down from the spiky blue-black hair, a shade that had taken me months
to achieve, to the miniskirt, fishnets and heels.
“Military officer,” he snorted, glaring at the young police
officer who looked like he would rather be anywhere on the planet but in that
courtroom.
“Young lady, I assume you will no longer wear military
apparel unless you are actually IN the military, which seems unlikely at this
point?” he said.
I nodded my head solemnly.
“You have admitted guilt, and since this has been brought
before me I need to do something. First, we are going to reduce the charge to unlawful use of a military uniform, and I am going to ask you to do four hours of
community service. Since you seem to have a fondness for fashion, I am going to
suggest an afternoon sorting clothing at the local Salvation Army, after which
time this charge will be removed from your record. Now, get out of the
courtroom,” he said, looking not at me but glaring instead at the poor young police
officer who promptly fled.
My lawyer, who I think lost sight of the fact that I had in
fact been found guilty, took me for lunch to celebrate what he considered the
pinnacle of his law practice to that point, and told me later that he told the
story at cocktail parties for decades.
The aftermath?
I did my stint at the Salvation Army and met a group of
lovely older women who, for as long as I lived in that city, saved vintage
pieces of clothing for me, calling me to share their finds of original pieces
from the 1950’s they knew I must have. It was the first time I spent any time
volunteering (although in this case it was involuntary) but led to my ongoing
love of agencies like the Salvation Army.
I shared the story almost immediately with a small group of coworkers, and shortly
after work one day a colleague I only knew slightly said his father wished to speak to me. As I
approached his dad I saw the shaved head and fatigues and was terrified the
army had come to collect their pound of flesh, but was instead humbled when he
apologized for the young men who had insisted I be charged. He explained to me
that this was not how individuals in the forces were meant to treat civilians,
and that they should have instead told me why I should not be wearing the jacket and
the significance of the stripes and other décor. His son, my colleague, later told me that
those who reported me paid for their actions during a month of drills operated
by his father, who intended to teach them how to treat civilians with kindness
and respect. I became friends with my co-worker and his father, and in my time spent with them I learned a great deal about the armed forces and what they do, coming to not only respect them but develop a genuine appreciation and affection for those who serve our country and often make the ultimate sacrifice, willingly laying down their lives even for complete idiots like me.
And about a month after my court date the doorbell rang at
my parents' home. We were sitting down to dinner and my father got up to answer
it, returning with the oddest expression on his face as he explained there was
a police cruiser in the driveway and an officer asking to see me.
Oops.
I flew to the door, shutting it behind me firmly to avoid
the listening ears of the parental units, and there was the handsome young
blonde officer holding the olive jacket, carefully folded and inside an
evidence bag. He explained he noted that I had not picked the jacket up from the evidence locker after
the court date, and he wanted to return it to me.
Then he laughed and gave me a sheepish grin, and further
explained that was an excuse, and what he really wanted to know was if he could
take me out to dinner sometime soon.
I stood there, realizing the story had come fully around
now, and told him I would have loved to say yes, but that I had a boyfriend.
He smiled and said: “Girls like you always do,” handed me
the jacket and climbed back into his cruiser and drove away.
I stood there holding the jacket, collecting myself enough
to go back inside and tell my parents that the nice officer was returning a
jacket I had left at a coffee shop downtown. The holes in that story were so
large you could drive a police cruiser through them, but they never asked, and
my parents died never knowing the story of the time I was charged with
impersonating a military officer.
It has been decades now, and while so many experiences in my
life are fuzzy memories this one stands out in sharp detail. Maybe it was
because even then I knew the makings of a good story, or maybe it was because I
always understood how absurd it was, from start to finish. Even now I laugh
when I recall it, wishing I had told my parents the story and wondering what
would have happened if I had said yes to the officer’s dinner request (imagine
the story we would have had to tell our kids!). For the most part, though, the
story reminds me that life is not – and should not be – solely about our
moments of triumph and success but about those ridiculous moments when you find
yourself standing on your parents' doorstep holding an evidence bag containing
an olive jacket that was a gift from a soldier who read Marxist literature and
found he didn't fit into the army. It is about those moments in a courtroom with a judge who
probably shared the story that night at home with his wife over a glass of
scotch, and a lawyer who kept giggling in the courtroom. It is about the smile
of a charming young police officer who almost arrests you and then asks you to dinner.
It is about new friendships founded in the most unlikely of ways, like the ones between me and a group of ladies at the Salvation Army, and with a co-worker and his armed forces father. It is about learning new things, developing a new understanding and respect, even when the experience is not only unexpected but a bit painful.
It is about the moments you remember the most, even the absurd ones.
Life is about the stories that you will remember until the
day you die – and this arresting tale is one of mine.