A "What Not" Rant for Fort McMurray

When I wrote What Not To Wear, Fort McMurray Edition, I was told by a reader that it seemed cranky for me, and in an out of character way. I suppose I was in a bad mood when I wrote it - seeing someone's butt through their ripped up sweatpants while waiting behind them in line at the grocery store has that effect on me, I suppose. I'll warn you now, people - this forest fire smoke has made me cranky again. I'm off on another rant about a "what not" to do. This time? What not to put on your pickup truck.

Look, I can live with the flag decals. The regional flags and maps show a sense of regional pride (even if that region is from another part of the country, and you all know where I'm talking about, right?). The Confederate flag is pushing the bounds of good taste a bit but even then I can let that slide. So, have at 'er with the maps and flag decals, boys.

I can even handle the decals with skulls and crossbones, and the skull-with-red-eye trailer hitches. I can't help but think that every 12 year old boy in town thinks those are uber-cool and not sure what that says about the maturity level of those with that on their truck, but hey, it's a free world. It might be a little juvenile in my opinion, but it's not hurting anyone.

The flags for sports teams are just great - except when the season is over, and has been for months. Maybe then you could consider removing them before they become sun-faded and completely tattered? After a point they just look a little bit sad, especially if your team happened to lose. Flying the losing team's flag for a bit shows you still love them - flying it for months seems a bit desperate.

Now we've established what is fine on a truck. So, let's get to what I think is not, and, in my opinion, what is just crass, tasteless, and without purpose or pride. Truck Testicles.

Yes, you heard me. Those damn truck testicles have to be the ugliest thing I've ever seen on a vehicle. Every time I see them I wonder if the owner of the truck is lacking something in that department personally and is making up for it with the size of the balls on their truck. And if the balls are blue? Either that means the truck isn't getting any...or the driver isn't. Either way not really a flattering commentary, is it?

Certain states in the US have actually tried to ban truck testicles. I'm not in favour of a ban, because I do support freedom to express yourself. I'm just completely baffled as to why anyone would choose balls on their truck as a way to do so.

I suppose by writing this I might be alienating some readers of this blog, although I will venture to say that not many truck-testicle owners are reading this, anyhow. If you wish to surprise me, though, I'd be delighted to hear from someone who likes these things. Perhaps you can enlighten me as to their fundamental appeal and what message you are trying to transmit with these on your truck. All I can say is that whatever the message is I'm clearly not getting it. Rant over, people.